"VAN" (Europe Bureau - Aleksey Vesyoliy) :: The art of saying "NO".

Just two little letters, but the word “no” can have a big impact on your relationships with others—and with yourself. Too much “no” and you can isolate yourself, creating a negative persona, and miss out on opportunities. Too little “no” and you might overbook your schedule and bring on too much stress in the process. Finding a balance between yes and no is key. Are you able to see both the positive and negative sides of saying NO?

Society has taught us to be compliant in order to keep our jobs and positions, or to be accepted or liked. Someone asks you for something — a boss, a friend - and even you want to refuse, you do what they ask and you feel obligated, resentful, pressureor guilty.And you feel like if you say "no", they are going to hate you. So you’re tempted to say "yes", even though you don’t want to. Researches show this not only creates a cycle of awful feelings, it actually does real damage to your relationships. Yes, being “too nice” can cause problems.There are often many things we feel we should do that, in fact, we don’t really have to do. 

There’s always an opportunity cost of our choices: when we say "yes" to one thing, we’re simultaneously saying "no" to another thing. We often fail to realize that by saying "yes" to requests from others, we’re actually saying "no" to our priorities and goals.

Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say "no" when you were a little child and why it has become so difficult now? As children, we learned that saying "no" was impolite or inappropriate. If you said "no" to your parents or grandparents you were most certainly considered to be rude. Saying "yes" was the polite and likable thing to say.

As adults, we are more capable of making our own choices, as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, "no" shouldn’t be an off limits word, but rather something that we decide on ourselves, based on our own discretion. But sadly, many people hold onto their childhood beliefs and continue to associate "no" with being dislikeable, bad mannered or selfish.

Sometimes people find themselves thinking “no” and then blurt out “yes.”Many people have found themselves feeling absolutely terrible about having said "yes" and wishing to say "no" from the beginning. So many people find it so difficult to say "no". It’s a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say "yes" also comes a lack of self-confidence and self-value.

When you say YES to others, make sure you are not saying NO to yourself.

Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word?It’s one of the shortest words in the English language, but one of the hardest to say. 

Many researchers have found that people are afraid of saying "no" because their biggest fear is rejection. People worry that if they say "no", they will feel humiliated, guilty, ashamed and will end up being alone, rejected or abandoned. Many even have asked themselves " Why it was so important to please everyone?" People are afraid that every time they say "no", they would disappoint someone or make them angry. These are all unhelpful beliefs that make it hard to say "no".

Saying no doesn’t mean that you are being rude, selfish or unkind. Sometimes saying "no" to others is not hurtful, but actually helpful — not just for you, but for them. When you say "no" to the wrong people, it opens up the space for the right people to come in. By learning how to say no to others, you can reclaim valuable time and energy to focus on what matters most to you.

If you depend on other people’s approval, what you are basically saying is “Their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.” Don’t say “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed. If you live your life depending on other people’s approval, you will never feel free and truly happy. Your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people.mWe all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Everyone does things what they regret. This makes us human.

Why you should not feel guilty about saying "no"?

The simple word "no" is often the most difficult to say. Yet anyone can develop the skills to say "no" with confidence, kindness and peace of mind and the benefits are enormous. You will spend less time doing things you don't want to do with people you don't want to see, and move closer to your own priorities and passions.

You are unique, valuable and important. No one else in this world can offer what you can.

Saying "no" doesn’t mean you are a bad person. If you want the feeling of freedom and empowerment, then take control, challenge yourself and learn to say "no".

Practice saying NO.

It isn’t easy for some people to start saying "no" without feeling guilty.We all have our own doubts, our own challenges as we grow and develop ourselves to become greater than the person we were yesterday and saying "yes" when, to be fair to yourself and others.

Some helpful tips for saying "No".

Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch in their book "How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty" wrote: "Gain a little perspective by becoming aware of how often people around you say no to each other from day to day. When you really pay attention, you’ll find that it happens all the time, and in most cases it’s no big deal. Keep that in mind when it’s your turn to say no in similar situations, and when someone’s saying it to you." Every rule has exceptions and persistent people will seek to find you with why their request is special, unique and covered in glitter. How do you deal with people who don’t take no for an answer? Be direct: “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to”. It is better to say "no" now than be resentful later.Use the words “I don’t” instead of “I can’t.”

Acknowledge that it's impossible to please every person in your life and that you have to draw the line somewhere. You may feel that you will disappoint a person if you say "no," and will thus lose his/her respect. Saying "no" comfortably and without guilt requires you to really think about what you stand for.

According to Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and expert on emotional intelligence, humans have a ‘negativity bias’ towards email and text messaging.Avoid communicating with negative emotions. Goleman argues that even if the sender of an email feels positive about their message, ‘negativity bias’ will lead the receiver to interpret the message in a neutral tone.By carefully using positive words in your messages, you’ll minimize the effects of the negativity bias and maintain goodwill with the recipient.

Dr. Robert Cialdini has said: “There is a natural human tendency to dislike a person who brings us unpleasant information, even when that person did not cause the bad news. The simple association with it is enough to stimulate our dislike.”One of the best ways to avoid this negative reaction, is to avoid using the word ‘no’ and provide an alternative solution instead.

Ultimately, "no" can be one of the most positive words in your vocabulary. Whether you crave more family time, more time for yourself, or more time to pursue a dream, saying "no" frees up room for the "yeses" in your life.

People who say “no” too often are sometimes labeled uncooperative, unlikable, selfish. Perhaps some of them are.  Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.By learning how to say "no", you can effectively prioritize your time and say "yes" to the things that matter most to you.

It can be tough to say "no", because many of us were raised to always be nice and say "yes". Sometimes saying "no" means protecting your own well-being. Saying "no" means you value your time. You might say, “I’ll have to think about it…” or “I’m not sure, maybe…” These phrases confuse others, and dilute your own certainty about what you want. Consider each time you say "no", without a hedge or explanation, to be a brave act of self-respect.

Remind yourself how valuable your time is, and you’re less likely to hesitate when it comes to saying "no" to something you really don’t want to do. Saying "no" requires a strong sense of self, but in the end, it will reinforce your emotional well-being.

Learning how to decline an invitation or request without feeling guilty is an essential aspect of living a happy life. The more you master the art of saying "no" when necessary, the easier it becomes to fill your life with activities and people who bring you true happiness. 

------
Publication author: Sintija Bernava
Chairwoman of the Board, Non Governmental Organisation "Donum Animus" (Latvia)
"Donum Animus" is the only Non Governmental Organisation from Latvia holding Special Consultative Status of the Economic and Social Council of the United Nations

Please read full story with pictures at EUNetwork.lv!